I had weight loss surgery in March 2010 and in just over 14 months lost 72kgs. Here’s a post I wrote a while ago which in a way I’m still struggling with and it’s in relation to when does your head catch up with the significant changes in your body. So here goes :
I read a post on a UK weight loss forum a while ago titled Body dysmorphia which I could really relate to – here’s a few words from some of the comments which really stood out to me as I could and still can really relate to them :
I know that the trousers I bought this week are a 12 and probably a little loose – I know that my size 14s are too big.
What I can’t do is see myself as a smaller person.
I still think of myself as fat.
Do you think it might just be a consequence of losing weight so quickly after a lifetime of being fat?
Will I adjust eventually?
I can not hold up an item of clothing and guess whether or not it will fit, and constantly try on a few sizes too big.
I guess this leaves me wondering when my head will catch up with my body so that I don’t relate so much to the comments above.
I KNOW :
I’ve lost 72kgs
Reduced my BMI from 46 to 25
I’ve gone from a clothes size UK 24 to UK 10 (US 20 to US 6)
I’ve reduced my body fat from 49% to 22%
I CAN SEE :
That I’ve toned up and I can certainly see that I am smaller than I did when I started
That the excess skin and fat are no longer there
I have shape and curves and muscle definition
I’ve completely changed my body shape
I CAN FEEL :
That I’m smaller, leaner, more agile
I’m more sexy
That I’m fitter than I’ve ever been in my entire life
Heck – I can feel my hip bones !!
And in a way I have grown to accept the changes in a positive way :
I HAVE :
Run 2 10k’s and 2 Half Marathons
Adopted fitness and healthy eating as a ‘way of life’
Bought and worn a sexy size 10 ‘Little Black Dress’ – which was – err Little and figure hugging !!
Worn 6 inch high black heels & loved it (ok I need to learn to walk in them properly!)
Received compliments and been ‘checked out’ a bit by a few men – which is all new to me
Worn a bikini (and I’m over 40 !)
BUT what I struggle to see and am coming to terms with is how I am in comparison with friends and others – I still see myself as being bigger than them, even though I’m now smaller than some of them and the same size as others – it’s weird isn’t it? My context is all changed.
Here’s a few examples of what I mean :
I met my pilates teacher the other day whom I’ve not seen for a while, she commented on how great I look and then asked what size clothes I am wearing – I told her UK 10/12 and she said “that’s the same as me” – and I was astounded – because I would never have thought that and that’s not what I see – I still see me as much larger than her !
I recently borrowed some trekking clothes from a lady which I will use when I climb Mount Kilimanjaro later this year – I took the clothes home thinking – they will never fit – she’s smaller than me – and they all fit (and some are quite loose) – much to my surprise !
I also still try and avoid working out in front of mirrors at the gym and in pilates – I know it’s good to see what’s going on with my body in terms of form and position – but all I can see is a big fat lady staring back at me and I can’t get my head to see beyond that yet.
Does all of this really matter ? I guess in the bigger context of things – no – it doesn’t – there are much bigger and more serious issues going on in the world – but in another way – it would be great to reach some kind of ‘acceptance and place of comfort’ about where I am. Don’t get me wrong – I am very happy with where I am now, I wouldn’t go back to being me the ‘fat me’ for anything – sure I would like to tweak a few things with my thinner me and I’m working on that regularly in the gym and in various exercise classes- I guess ultimately we are never totally and completely happy with where we are (and if you are please tell me how you do it).
But when does it all join up? and when does our head perspective catch up with our body? I’m not too sure – but what I know is that I didn’t gain the weight as quickly as I lost it and undergone my transformation – so I should expect my head to take a while to catch up. After all in just over 24 months I’ve achieved a lot and have undergone rapid adjustment.
I GUESS – SOMETIMES WE HAVE TO LOOK BACK AT WHERE WE STARTED TO REMIND OURSELVES JUST HOW FAR WE’VE COME